I'd apologize for being gone so long, but it wasn't my fault, so there!

Yeeaaahhh, I got audited...And when shit like that happens, hobbies such as biking, cooking, and BLOGGING tend to get lost in the shuffle. Anyways, I'm good to go, NOT in prison, and should be blogging some more sooper-chee-zee stuff in the near future. Sorry for the wait.

Work Blows

This morning my boss (lets call him Shithead McAsshole (ShitAss for short)) asked me to rig up a projector. No big deal. I agreed. There's nothing degrading about setting up equipment for use in the building that you work in, right? WRONG, Bitch!! This would be no ordinary projection-rigging job that I was to undertake. Oh no. I was supposed to rig a projector to aim directly at the ceiling of our most frequented meeting room. And this projector was only going display one slide. Just one. Not even a collage of stuff. ONE FUCKING SLIDE...ShitAss wanted a projector for one slide. The slide going to be shown through this projector was simply going to say: "Pay Attention". That's it. Pay attention. Pay attention...........really? That's it?

I asked him why on Earth he would want this, and he told me that during meetings, he often noticed people staring up at the ceiling, rather than paying attention to whatever-the-fuck changes he was making to our current money-wasting scheme. And by that, he meant that once, I played the "Gullible is written on the ceiling" joke on a friend of mine before the meeting even started. This guy doesn't have much sense of humor, so he was staring at the ceiling for about five minutes until the meeting started trying to find it.

Now, back to the explanation of my current task. Having a projector isn't that big of a deal. Having several isn't a big deal. Having more projectors than computers isn't that dumb. But setting aside one projector, one laptop, and eight hours worth of electricity plus regular maintenance, for one slide, is kind of ridiculous. Don't you think?

When I was in high school, I studied my ass off. When I was in college, I studied my ass off. When I was an unpaid intern, for this same company, I worked my ass off. This is what all my hard work boils down to? Hooking up projectors for one slide.... I got a bachelors degree for this? Fuck the rat race. I should have been a fireman.

I weep for the future

My son just came up to me and said "Dad, what's an internet? Some friends at school were telling me about it, and I was pretty sure you had one, but I couldn't remember".

Panic Order

Don't you hate it when you sit down in a restaraunt with five or six friends, and you're all terrified to order first? It's like every single one of you is determined to be the most politest-est one in the group, in hopes that someone will say "you're cool, let me get the tip".

And then someone finally breaks the food-ice and begins to order a drink, but changes their mind several times from domestic draft, to some crappy foreign bottled horse piss.

Okay, the drinks have been ordered, you are chugging away, just as happy as Smeagol in a jewelery store. Now the waitress (who looks like Rosie O'Donnell with a comb-over) reminds you that there is still food to be ordered here. So the cycle starts all over again. You order first, but the pressure of have six people behind you waiting to order makes you lose focus and actually shuts off the "Logic" part of your brain. This causes you to order something that looks like this.






     


Now it's time to leave. Thank God this night is over!! How could a night at Applebee's go any worse. And what do your buddies say after all depart and go your seperate ways?
                                                     
                  Buddies : That was fun man. Wanna do this again next weekend?

                                           You: Sure!! Hell yeah!

Fuck my life.....





                             

This Made my day!!

The Truth

You don't have insomnia. You just have an internet connection. There's a difference. Now shut off your computer and go get some sleep. Why are you still here? I won't get mad that you stopped reading my blog, even though i am overjoyed that you found it. SLEEP!! NOW! Your body will hate you in the morning if you don't. You have been warned.

How's this for a title?

The bird thing didn't turn out so well. I went outside and they all flew off, leaving me standing there with some birdseed and a few crackers. I was out of cheese, so I ate the crackers and some of the birdseed. It was then that I began to think about my own mortality and how one day I will die. You all know you've thought about it too. You'll be laying awake in bed one night having just watched CNN or an Adam Sandler movie and you wonder how people can go on about their lives the way they do in a world where there are such things as poverty, starvation, and Happy Gilmore. Then you think of something funny, blow off your previous thoughts of sadness, and disregard this depression until a later time. It usually comes back when you accidentally engage in conversation with a hipster, or your daughter wants you to rent Bedtime Stories for the weekend. Well, I do believe I have found the solution for these feelings of futility. Go outside. Take up a hobby. Learn how to play frisbee golf. Anything to keep you away from the television. I don't have cable in my house, so that's not so much of an issue for me, but I do have a rock solid internet connection, which in some cases is worse. Just try and become active in anything. If you are already, good for you. Pass this advice on to any friends who you may notice who are less than cheerful. To help get your imagination going, I've uncluded a picture of Snoopy.